So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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