Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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