first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
