I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
