wanna go halves on a baby?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
