so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
