Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
