You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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