Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
