Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
