You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have tasted many bathrooms
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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