and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
