Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
