Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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