dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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