??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
