I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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