I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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