Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
