I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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