Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She's JV to your varsity
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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