you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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