What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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