I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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