I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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