Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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