Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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