If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
