I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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