and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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