Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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