I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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