why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
