you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
