i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
