we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
