Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
