Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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