Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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