My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
