is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
