I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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