watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
