I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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