we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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