Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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