I think I won the penis lottery.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
