I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
