that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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