P.S. I can't hear my feet
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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