What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
