What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i was born a porn star she said
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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