I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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