we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
