I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
