he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
