My hair reeks of homosexuality.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
