woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
