I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
