Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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