dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I love having hate sex.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
